Welcome to 2019 – where women have never before had so much freedom and flexibility to be themselves. If you’re reading this blog, you likely have a level of autonomy and control over your circumstances that your great-grandmother could barely fathom.
What a lovely stroke of luck, to be alive in this day and age! However, nothing’s perfect.
As women, we’re often raised from a young age to be people-pleasers, and to acquiesce to the demands of others. Putting ourselves first is something we might have trouble with as teens and young adults, and we often give that up entirely once we have children. The kids (and spouse) come first, right?
When our children are very little, we imagine that it will get easier as they grow…and in some ways, that’s quite true.
However, our older children and teens still need our presence, connection, and involvement. It’s just that we’ve traded playdates and skinned knees for long conversations, unexpected emotions, and needing a lift everywhere!
The challenges and joys of parenting evolve and shift as our kids grow, and yet – the days are short, and it’s a challenge to fit in workouts, date nights, and other things that fill our cup.
Eventually, we may find ourselves coming up short when we try to focus on our own personal growth, hobbies, and ideas apart from motherhood.
Why do we pretend that there isn’t any room for cultivating ourselves alongside our children?
A couple of lattes and weekend escapes are not the same as living an autonomous, full, and vibrant life as a woman AND mother.
Putting yourself first is not about mani-pedis and margaritas – it’s a lifestyle that involves consistently choosing to act as if you matter as much as your children and/or your partner – because you DO.
Whether or not we work a traditional outside-of-home job, studies show that the division of labour for duties like cooking, childcare, and cleaning are disproportionately handled by women. This holds true even in partnerships where both parties are actively striving for equity!
Moreover, mothers are almost always the ones responsible for handling the “mental load” of running a household and parenting. From when the pets need medication to what size shoes each child in the family currently wears, to yet another load of laundry or sink full of dishes that need attention, the burden of remembering those endless details and doing the never-ending housework is largely borne by mothers. And those incessant lists in our heads are both draining and crazy-making.
When the entire family is relying on mama, it can feel daunting – even irresponsible – to indulge in a bit of self-care.
I want to share a radical idea with you: It’s time to put yourself first.
Not your kids, not your spouse, not your duties and obligations or your work, either.
It might sound counter-intuitive or even selfish, but I promise you that putting yourself first is the greatest gift you can give your children as a mother.
Helping my children to see how very powerful and capable they are has freed up my time and energy to be a better mother to them – because I’m not constantly trying to be everything to everyone. And having my children see me follow my passions and take care of myself allows me to model for them what being a fully-embodied adult woman looks like.
In order to continue being the wonderful caretakers that we are, we must put the oxygen mask on ourselves first – otherwise, we will wither and fade, and we won’t be able to nurture anyone in that state.
The beauty is that, often, we simply have to uncover where our own emotions and beliefs are holding us back, in order to make different choices and move forward.
When I was starting to build my dōTERRA business, I knew that I had to create some firm boundaries around my time and energy because I had my eyes on the horizon, on a future of abundance that I wanted to enjoy with my children.
I wanted a business that worked around my life, instead of having to schedule life around my business.
To do that, I had to cultivate a firm foundation of self-autonomy, to put myself first and to help my children to recognize that I am a person beyond “Mama” – that I have my own imperfect (and sometimes messy) needs, feelings, and desires.
I’ve raised my children to have a high degree of emotional awareness, and I’ve been transparent enough with them about my own challenges that they do not think I’m infallible. We have high expectations of each other, and we also know how to find compassion and grace for each other when we make mistakes.
If you’re curious about how you can cultivate a higher degree of emotional awareness for yourself, as well as your family, please check out the Essentials of Emotional Vitality mini course.
It’s a fantastic tool to help reveal where we might be making things more difficult than they need to be.
It’s important to recognize that nobody is going to give you the permission to put yourself first as a mother.
If you’ve been waiting for a green light to start living on your own terms: Here it is! Claiming your autonomy as a woman and mother must ultimately start with YOU. Your family may not understand in the beginning, but putting yourself first will profoundly benefit everyone you’re connected with.
Get the Essentials of Emotional Vitality mini course here, and let’s get started.
