Have you ever felt like you’ve been searching for something that’s eluded you your whole life? Like you’ve had an insatiable longing to answer the key question—but after all these years, you still haven’t put your finger on it?
Maybe you’ve been stewing in uncertainty for some time. You’re not sure what to do, but you know intuitively that you can’t force it, either.
We may spend years of our adult lives like this—until something shifts, and everything becomes stunningly clear.
I’m in this space myself. Recently, I started experiencing the presence of Shakti rising, the Divine Feminine which most actively manifests herself through female embodiment and creation.
First, some context. In January of this year, I turned 48. Brené Brown described Midlife as the time when the Universe grabs your shoulders and shouts “I’m not f-ing around, use the gifts you were given!”
Around the time of my birthday, I began questioning everything: Was I really contributing to the world in a meaningful way? Why was I doing the work I was doing? Did it even matter—and was this really what I wanted?
Once I let those big emotions flow through me and got out of my own way, I recognized that I still love the work that I’m doing—and there is something still greater that I’m meant to create and share.
I didn’t like the feeling of ‘spinning my wheels’, and I felt frustrated that the next right step wasn’t yet obvious to me. I’m a consummate strategizer with a very strong intellect, and it’s natural for me to approach a challenge with logic.
This time, I found that I had to surrender to uncertainty and trust deeply in my intuition, instead.
I sought out holistic practitioners to help me work through some powerful feelings and explore them fully. I spent more time and energy on deep healing and my own practices of self-care than I probably ever have.
In the 20+ years I’ve been a holistic doctor, the most common theme I’ve been witness to is the many ways that women hold ourselves back from pursuing our dreams and goals. Over and over again, we tend to diminish ourselves when we feel uncertain, or when we’re frightened of the judgment of others.
Women can wax eloquent on the variety of ways we let our fears control our lives, hold us back from our truth, and keep ourselves playing small.
I’m generally very clear on my goals and driven to pursue them—so it was unusual to find myself, at age 48, so untethered that I finally cried out to the universe, “I’ve run out of answers! Help me discover what’s next!”
Many people look at me and think, ‘She’s built several businesses, she’s raising five kids, she’s got an amazing partner—clearly she’s got her sh*t together.’ The reality, though, is that we’re all just figuring it out one step at a time, and on some level, we’re all afraid to be vulnerable. We’re all afraid to admit when we’re struggling, no matter what level we find ourselves playing at.
The truth is, we’re all afraid—and our fear can seriously hold us back from stepping into our greatness. As we approach midlife, we’re being called to embrace our knowledge and talents, and to share what we’ve learned with the world. We’re no longer green—and yet, we still act like rookies, continuing to defer to others.
Is it our time to embrace Shakti rising?
Is it truly time to step into our power and deep knowing, even when our culture, our family, our community, and our society all expect us to ‘play nice’, ‘stay content’, and just say ‘yes’ to what everybody else needs from us? Women hold many roles before we venture into the persona of the Wise Woman and, often, it takes deep and significant soul searching before we allow ourselves to feel confident in accepting that mantle.
Too often, we’re socialized to be convenient and to defer to others. We experience pushback, and often acquiesce when we hear others label us as ‘too aggressive’, ‘too masculine’, or ‘too bossy’.
We don’t want to be perceived as “too much”, and so, like Alice in Wonderland, we allow ourselves to lose our much-ness…we obey, we shrink, and we become mere shells of who we truly long to be.
In many ways, it feels good to hear that we’re perfect just as we are. While that’s quite true—I also believe that each of us has incarnated on this planet to fulfill some purpose, and if we ignore or suppress it, we will feel a pulling at our heartstrings until we address it.
Sometimes we’re aware of that purpose early in our lives, but I think it’s very common for that purpose to expand and grow with time. Many of us then struggle a bit (or a lot!) in life before we finally recognize the fullness of who we are meant to be and what we are meant to create and do in this lifetime. Many people find themselves facing such heavy burdens in life that they never have a chance to pursue their higher purpose…and many more pass from this world entirely too soon. In light of this, I recognize the position of privilege that I occupy.
I’m very grateful that trusting my intuition and listening to the deepest whispers of my soul are guiding me to clarity in discerning my true purpose.
I was startled to recognize that despite all the ‘big’ ways I show up for my community, in my business, and in my life, there is still a voice in my head that has told me to keep playing small.
I’ve held back from fully speaking my truth, from sharing my personal experiences and those that I’ve gleaned through working with thousands of women over 20 years in the field of holistic health care.
Despite my experiences and training, my inner critic was still not allowing me to trust that I have something of value to share.
Deep down, I still believed that my experiences and my voice didn’t really make a difference and shouldn’t be shared—and I was too conflicted to admit it, even to myself.
The reality is that we all have something of value to say—but the grand majority of us don’t believe it.
Some people say that by the time women reach the age of 50, they decide to quit caring about what anyone else thinks. So here I am at 48 years of age, and I’ve realized that holding myself back in any way is not serving anyone—least of all myself! It’s not that I don’t care what others think—I’ve simply realized that it is high time for me to step fully into the arena.
As author Denise Duffield-Thomas says, “It’s my time, and I’m ready for the next step.” I’m still gaining clarity on what the ‘next step’ is, and how it’s going to unfold, but I’m done with trying to please anybody else.
The next chapter of my story is mine to create. If I’m perceived by some people as “too much”, that’s fine with me. What other people think of me is really none of my business.
This experience of my personal power rising is just one part of my story—and we all have a story to share.
Consider this your formal invitation to greatness. Think of all the ways you’ve been playing small, holding yourself back, refusing to even acknowledge that you might have a greater purpose on this planet.
If you’ve believed all your life that you must think or behave only in certain ways…deep down you might be feeling stifled. If you’ve been settling for traditionally female roles in your life and ignoring the whispers of your soul…it might be time to rethink what you’ve been (or become) complacent about.
Do you hear that sound? It’s the song of the Divine, on repeat, telling you to USE the gifts you’ve been given!
Now all that’s left is to choose openness and step into embracing your purpose. It’s your time, and you’re ready for the next step!
