Is romance flowing freely in your life lately? Whether you’re tending to a years-long marriage, or trying to navigate online dating, the past year has been extremely challenging for relationships of all sorts.
Couples and families are spending a lot more time at home together than ever before, and while this can be a lovely blessing for some – it also brings its fair share of challenges!
Once you have children, keeping the romance alive might hinge on things like early bedtimes, babysitters, and date nights out – all of which are in short supply right now.
There’s been no shortage of stress lately, either, and those closest to us are often witness to our worst emotional fallout. This stress is compounded when we also don’t have access to our usual ways of recharging and blowing off steam – like having lunch with a group of friends, going to social events, or getting our hair cut.
They say you can’t pour from an empty cup, but what do we do when we don’t have access to the things and experiences that refill our cup? What if our cup has become leaky or cracked?
We can help mitigate any damage and create thriving relationships by taking a closer look at our boundaries, communication style, and how we prioritize our time.
Boundaries
Boundaries might sound like we’re trying to keep people at arm’s length, but in fact, having clear, healthy boundaries is key to a thriving romantic relationship.
In practice, boundaries might look like declining calls, or blocking out time on the calendar for “date-night” – even if it’s just cuddling on the couch. Boundaries may also look like no phones in the bedroom, or no-cooking-Fridays, or even “don’t-interrupt-me-when-I’m-meditating”.
Knowing what you like, want, and need is critical, because when you’re clear about what you do want, you’re much less likely to tolerate things that are out of alignment.
If you have a family, it’s so important to communicate boundaries with your children as well. Teens and older children often understand and appreciate boundary-setting, especially if it’s a family affair. For younger kids, a reasonable boundary might be “please knock on a closed-door before entering”. Eventually, discussing and honouring each other’s boundaries will become second nature.
It’s not selfish or unreasonable to have expectations and standards for the way your partner (and family) treats you – in fact, it’s a kindness – because you’re helping your loved ones to love you better.
Part of creating a healthy partnership is getting better at loving and nurturing yourself.
Communication
Talk is cheap…but clarity in communication is invaluable!
Perhaps you and your partner are having the same recycled conversations again and again, but you feel like you’re talking past each other, with little understanding.
Our partner’s perspective is influenced by many variables, as is our own. In order to listen with empathy, we must allow ourselves to become curious, and listen as if we’re being told a story, instead of a string of complaints! When we listen to stories, we tend to try and empathize with the main character – in this case, our loved one.
Trust is the bedrock of clear communication. Sometimes, the words we use in conversation end up being secondary to the assumptions that we may be unconsciously holding about each other. We then filter what we hear through our biases and jump to conclusions, instead of listening with openness and empathy.
If both you and your partner will agree to assume positive intent when you’re speaking to each other, your communication will see tremendous improvements.
Finally, understanding each other’s primary love language can go far in feeling heard and respected. If your primary love language is acts of service, and your partner’s is words of affirmation, it’s understandable that you both feel like your communication isn’t really hitting home. You’re simply wired to appreciate different experiences.
Spending time to become fluent in each other’s love language can make a huge impact on how much you feel heard and appreciated, even if you feel overwhelmed in other aspects of your lives.>> Here’s a link where you can take the Love Languages assessment together. <<
Time Priorities
One of the most challenging aspects of coping over this last year has been the added pressure of time scarcity. We seem to have so much more to do, and less control of our time than ever.
We aren’t getting the time alone that we need, and it becomes daunting when “date night” feels like yet another item on our endless to-do list.
The responsibilities of running a household right now likely fall squarely on the adults who live there, with virtually no outside help or relief. Whether because of lost income or pandemic concerns, families cannot rely upon caregivers as much (if at all).
Any additional child care or elder care has disproportionately become the responsibility of women, who have lost over a million more jobs than men in the past year.
With kids home from school indefinitely, we are now faced with extra cooking and household chores, along with juggling virtual work responsibilities and the fresh hell of remote schooling.
This isn’t a simple case of “time management”, because that implies that we can and should get ‘everything’ done.
In fact, we must focus on prioritizing our time, and becoming okay with the fact that some things will be delegated, while others will simply fall by the wayside.
Setting aside time each week for a ‘date’ is only a superficial solution…because if the rest of the week is a chaotic string of to-dos and mini-emergencies, romance likely won’t be high on your list when ‘date night’ comes around!
Helping each other to prioritize self-care and time freedom will go a long way in nurturing the spark of connection between you!
In our relationships, this means that we are willing to make time for our own needs and desires without apology, long before we hit burnout. Likewise, our partners can take initiative in recognizing what truly needs to be done (and doing it!), and supporting us when we prioritize rest and rejuvenation.
Once our own needs are met, we’ll be much more likely to desire connection and intimacy, without it feeling forced or mechanical.
Romance and intimacy are complex, multifaceted things, and when it comes to long-term relationships, it can be tricky to discern exactly where the fire’s being dampened.
Relationships and romance thrive when we strengthen our boundaries, improve our communication skills, learn our partner’s love language, and re-evaluate our time priorities.
All this might seem like a lot of effort, but even bad relationships extract energy from us – so why not invest in creating the most fabulous, thriving, intimate relationship you can dream up?
