Now that I’ve got your attention (because I know I do), let’s talk for a few minutes about something we don’t usually talk about.
Sex.
Not just sex, but good sex. The kind of sex that leaves everyone feeling satisfied (yes, ladies… that means you, too!). Do you feel good about your sex life? Because I know how important sex is not only for our relationships, but also for ourselves, I took some time to have ‘the talk’ with Certified Sex Coach Genevieve of Essential Reclamation. She’s going to lay it down for you in intimate detail: how to make good sex the norm, and why that should be a priority if it isn’t already!
Secret #1 – Self Care
Genevieve confirmed a concept I’ve advocated for some time now: the quality of our relationships works in direct proportion to our degree of self care. In short, if we’re not taking care of ourselves, our relationships will suffer. We need to be responsible for the energy we bring to a relationship (or a future relationship) so we’re not energetically draining or dumping on our partners, and we need our partners to do the same.
Self care is literally vital to our romantic relationships. And we’re not just talking about the usual self care ideas, like squeezing in a massage or pedi here and there. No, we need to recognize the important role that regular self care, specifically diet and exercise, play on our libido. Per Genevieve, healthy nutrition and occasional nutritional cleanses are vital for sexual health, particularly for low libido, vaginal dryness, erectile dysfunction, and premature ejaculation.
Secret #2 – Pleasure
Why are sex and pleasure important, both in a relationship and for ourselves?
Genevieve points out that “being into pleasure and feeling our bodies, either by ourselves or with a partner, are integral parts of a relationship that we don’t focus on anymore”. She also highlighted the link between a LACK of pleasure and the occurrence of pain, inflammation, and hormonal imbalances in women. Believe it or not, women’s orgasms regulate the hormonal, lymphatic, circulatory, and nervous systems in our bodies. Ladies, orgasms are actually REGENERATIVE to our health and well-being, which is fascinating since women’s orgasms are rarely ever discussed. I’d even go as far as saying that orgasms are seen as a source of shame or secret – one of those things we just don’t talk about.
So start TALKING about it ladies! Your pleasure is important, and sex is an amazing way to pleasure yourself and/or be pleasured by your partner.
Secret #3 – Sex in a Busy World
We have confirmation that both self care and pleasure practices are vital to our well being and our romantic relationships, but how do we go about making sex a priority in a busy world?
I love what Genevieve has to say here: “First and foremost, we need to figure out what works for each of us, which is one of the biggest hurdles. For some people, scheduling in sex will meet their needs. For others, creating time in their schedules to connect with no pressure of outcome, building mood and anticipation, is most important.”
So. How do we figure out our unique sexual language and needs?
Genevieve asserts that “each of us has a unique erotic language or Erotic BlueprintTM that we speak, and learning what makes us tick and communicating that to our partner/s is critical to figuring out what turns us on.” The Erotic BlueprintsTM are the work of Sexologist, Intimacy/ Relationship Coach, and Author Jaiya, who lays out the five Blueprints as follows:
Energetic
Turned on by tease and anticipation. Can get overwhelmed easily. Loves light, feathery touch and eye gazing.
Sensual
Turned on by their five senses being pleasured – music, taste, beautiful sights, and soft, contoured touch. Can get stuck in their heads easily.
Sexual
Turned on by explicitly sexual acts, very to the point in their sexuality. Can sometimes miss pleasure in the journey leading to orgasm.
Kinky
Turned on by taboo. Loves psychological power dynamics and/or giving or receiving pain sensations. Can be inundated with shame about their desires.
Shapeshifter
Turned on by all of the above equally, and often all at once. Can feel like they’re too much to handle.
To learn YOUR Erotic BlueprintTM, you can take the quiz, because if you know what you need, it’s much easier to make your needs a priority!
Feeling a little whoa, mama? This can be a lot to take in, especially if we’ve come from families who don’t talk openly about sex, and specifically sex in terms of pleasure, since we are so used to taboo surrounding the subject. It can be helpful to work with a Pleasure/Intimacy Coach to discover what you want sexually. I’d also strongly recommend Mama Gena’s book “Pussy”, and her women’s weekend Experience or Mastery events are incredible for women to explore and reclaim our desires, bringing the Divine Feminine to light!
Secrets Are Out, Let’s Get It On!
The pussycat is out of the bag, so to speak – you’ve been reminded how important it is to take care of yourself, encouraged to focus on your pleasure, and now have access to a literal Blueprint to your unique erotic language… but what can you bring into the bedroom right now, to start enhancing your sexual experience?
I know what’s going through your head already (cue cinema stereotype of romantic scene here), but lighting, music, showering or bathing (together or alone) are most effective when based on knowing our Blueprint and that of our partner. What works for one person won’t necessarily work for another, so start with that little quiz above! Once you have your Blueprint…
Set the Mood
…with essential oils in a diffuser or applied topically with a carrier oil on your pulse points and down your spine:
- Ylang Ylang works for every Blueprint as a natural aphrodisiac, increasing circulation to enhance pleasure
- Add in a grounding oil – Vetiver, Patchouli (also an aphrodisiac), or Balance
- Cinnamon – Hot & spicy
- Wild Orange – Fruity, playful
…take time to fool around and just play. Don’t always have an expectation of outcome. Games can be as simple as asking “What feels better: this? or this?”, recognizing that it can change at any time and going with the flow of it.
Spice Things Up
Once again, spicing things up in a relationship is not one size fits all, so it’s useful to look at your Blueprint and that of your partner to determine what you each/both want to expand into.
- For someone Sexual, going to a sex toy store, watching female-centered porn, or reading erotic literature could fuel their turn on.
- For someone Sensual, sensual movement classes, massage, or writing erotica for each other might be more their speed
- Someone with a Kinky Blueprint would be more adventurous, and might want to explore sex parties or BDSM (best done with someone who has knowledge in these areas to guide you and help keep you safe)
- A sexual Energetic might want to explore erotic massage or Orgasmic Meditation.
It’s going to be easier if both partners have similar sexual Blueprints or are in a similar stage of their sexuality. It can be more challenging to find that common turn on if a Sensual and a Kinky are together (for example). So how do you bond when your Blueprints don’t easily match up? Genevieve suggests exploring partner massage, playing games, taking dance or movement classes together, learning something new (sexually), trying a Pleasure Challenge or a Sex Challenge, and most importantly, figuring out how to experience pleasure together.
Now you have both a doctor AND a sex coach recommending you make some time for physical exploration by yourself or with your partner, so what are you waiting for!? Grab some toys and have a little fun!
xoxo Dr. Marissa
About Our Expert, Genevieve
Essential Reclamation is the turning point in your pleasure, confidence, and full expression of yourself. Genevieve, Essential Reclamation’s founder, is a certified Erotic Blueprint coach, former Dominatrix, and Essential Oils Educator. She combines all three of these skills into her work with singles, couples, and in workshop settings to help unleash the hidden parts of yourself that have been winking at you. Genevieve alchemizes couples’ unique desires to help create the perfect mix of touch, anticipation, and energy – creating mind-blowing, transformational erotic encounters that fuel every area of your life. She works on a limited basis with VIP clients, so if you’re interested in becoming one of her clients please email her at genevieve@essentialreclamation.com to schedule an intake call. Genevieve currently has two private client spots available opening March 1st and will be leading a workshop in NYC around the Erotic BlueprintsTM, essential oils, and BDSM in October 2018.
